Storymoja
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It was a Monday afternoon in the city of Nairobi. Muthwiri was busy wracking his head trying to figure out a solution to his problem. His mind was roaming to and fro. He couldn’t think straight. No wonder Oscar Wilde said, “An improper mind is a perpetual feast.” If only he had controlled himself.
Three months ago while Muthwiri was at his duty post, a young girl, Aziza, who was barely 16 years old came passing by hawking bananas. Muthwiri called her and cracked some jokes which she laughed at. He bought a few bananas and she left, giggling.
Gradually, Muthwiri was able to lure a naïve Aziza into his room at the security post and they had sex. With Aziza, a brief moment of passion – when Muthwiri touches her breasts – makes her forget every other thing including the bananas. From then onwards, sex with Muthwiri became a routine.
Three months after they had met, Aziza came to Muthwiri, informing him that she was pregnant.
“Kwenda! Fala sana! And you want me to believe I am responsible?” Muthwiri barked.
Aziza looked at him with tears in her eyes, “Lailahaillalahu. Kwanini Muthwiri? Kwanini? You want to deny me? Subahanallahi. Subahanallahi.” She broke down weeping.
Muthwiri stood with his arms akimbo, staring at weeping Aziza. His mind was racing. There was no need denying; the pregnancy was his. He petted her and asked her to come back the following day. If Aziza’s aunt gets to know about it, it could mean the end of his job and it could also jeopardize his marriage. Delay is dangerous, he thought. Yes! Abortion was the only solution. But he had no money and salary was still two weeks away. He called his friend Nyakeri telling him he wants to sell his Sharp television. They agreed to meet at the junction.
Muthwiri arrived at the junction with the television and all he had in his pocket was twenty bob. He bought a stick of cigarette from a nearby trader and smoked absentmindedly. The remaining fifteen bob he gave to a corn seller and requested for a piece. He was hungry.
He dialed Nyakeri’s number again, “Uko api?”
Nyakeri told him the person that wanted to buy the television said he wants LG product and not Sharp.
“It’s a good TV for God’s sake and I’m already at the junction with it!” Muthwiri complained.
“Hey, your corn is ready,” the corn seller announced.
Muthwiri turned to tell the man to give him a second. Alas! There was Aziza’s aunt standing. His heart beat skipped for a moment.
He resumed talking to Nyakeri, “Just kuja tafadali. There’s a problem… Hello? Hello?”
His credit had finished; the television had no receipt, and there was a Corp approaching. He stood completely restless and helpless, cursing.
©Ater Sawa
If you would like this piece to be the Story of the Week, please vote below on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being weak, and 10 being excellent. The numbers will be tallied on Friday and the story with the highest figure shall be Crowned Story of the Week. Be sure to fill in your name and verifiable email. You can include your critique/comment after the vote.
Discussion
40 Responses to “A War Within by Ater Sawa”
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mmmhhh no protection? 6
Posted by kyt | August 22, 2010, 11:05 pmHis credit had finished? Really? I think there is something wroing with that sentence. . . I vote 6.5
Posted by Beatrice Wainaina | August 23, 2010, 5:10 ami think this story is boring-4
Posted by RKhay | August 23, 2010, 11:27 amSuperb! This is really cool. So real. I give it a 9.
Posted by Brian Kosgei | August 23, 2010, 5:21 pmA very weak story this. ‘Busy wracking his head’ is mis-placed as well as over-loaded. Did I say it’s meaningless? And we vilified (and some nay-sayers still do) Prof. Taban’s assertion that there was/is a literary desertification in the East African region.
‘His mind was roaming to and fro’.. really? Stop writing in vernacular when in fact you are pretending to be using the English language. Writing should not be misconstrued as a pastime, Kenyan style. To me, it’s a vocation, a calling, a God-given talent. I don’t that we must all twang and write in perfect English, but discretion is non-negotiable. My vote is a modest 1.
Posted by Denis H. Okeyo | August 23, 2010, 7:03 pmintriguing, it ends on a note of suspense
9
Posted by axah mtowa | August 23, 2010, 7:17 pmI like the way the story started; showing the confused state of Muthwiri. It also ends with turmoil in his mind reflecting the title of the story, ending with the reader left to imagine what happens next. This is a good work. It keeps the reader on the edge. I vote 9.
Posted by Ruhama Wakawa | August 24, 2010, 12:40 pmThis is a good story. It started by showing the state of confusion of Muthwiri. It also ended by showing the turmoil he was going through which goes in line with the title. This story should be the story of the week coz it keeps the reader on the edge. I vote 9.
Posted by Ruhama Wakawa | August 24, 2010, 12:57 pmcant wait to read what happens next! its really captivating with a touch of suspense at the end
Posted by Jonathan K | August 24, 2010, 1:40 pmi give it a 8.5
Posted by Jonathan K | August 24, 2010, 1:42 pmWell thought story. Depicts a typical man who has feelings but in this case lustful. Denial is what comes first when men are confronted with such issue. Great piece of work. I vote 10.
Posted by Nehemiah Obuya | August 24, 2010, 1:49 pmThis story is really great it depicts the true picture of Muthwiri,the writing is very analytical and indepth in knowledge.I therefore vote with 9.
Posted by jesse Thomas | August 24, 2010, 1:55 pmD story is so African and w must learn to appreciate our own… I vote 9
Posted by Kurrupt | August 24, 2010, 2:55 pmthis is total creativity no proper comment for you’re awondeful writer man i vote 7.5
Posted by willyce jaacko | August 24, 2010, 2:58 pmThis is dope……..the story at first is quite promising and then it becomes scary as it ends…the most captivating part is the way me the reader is left mere suspense wow nice one.Again,its applicable;very applicable in a normal life situation.. it should be the top story of the year….i give it a 9.congrats Ater Sawa
Posted by joanne Njoki | August 24, 2010, 3:06 pmthe story is captivating and tantalzing……..very applicable in todays life…….i giveit a 9.
Posted by joanne Njoki | August 24, 2010, 3:07 pmonly if Aziza knew that it would be nine seconds of fun, nine months of blame and then a child to bomb out with no name, she could have not slept with muthwiri. i give you a nine man. its always like that.
Posted by Naphtal Omondi | August 24, 2010, 3:32 pmI think this story reflects a person who is really frustrated after a wrong,bad everything that happens after adds on to the misfortunes.I vote a 9.
Posted by Rafael Wanjiku | August 24, 2010, 3:45 pmCould almost picture the characters in real life,a simple story well delivered,the climaxing chaos in the mind of muthwiri felt so real,really making the reader want more.8
Posted by Helen Fwa Okosun | August 24, 2010, 3:46 pmIt is quite interesting and kudos to the writer Arter Sawa. Keep it up, welldone and I vote 10.
Posted by Ishaya Luka Wayas | August 24, 2010, 4:40 pmAaaaa… This is a great story; every day happening. Though a few weak sentence constructions, i still think this story deserves a 9.
Posted by Amonye Simon | August 24, 2010, 4:54 pmWow! Can i vote 11? Ha ha ha! Alright, Sawa ur story is sawa. 10 for u.
Posted by Sarah Gimba | August 24, 2010, 5:03 pmExcellent! Can’t give a ten anyway. So… 9.9
Posted by Maria Zirra | August 24, 2010, 5:11 pmWhy did this story stop right there when i was just beginning to enjoy it? 8.5
Posted by Obed Longs | August 24, 2010, 5:18 pmNice story line. Wish you could explore it. It depicts the character of Africans, especially the illetrates and low in the society. 8
Posted by Asa Sawa | August 24, 2010, 5:28 pmA good story but efforts were not made to add style to it. This is a common story we hear everyday and a touch of style would have made alot of difference.
Also, the the author was not consistent in the use of terms. For istance in line 7, “-when Muthwiri touches should read “touched” her breasts- made her and not makes her.
He also wrote “If Aziza’s aunt gets (should read “got” to know”…jeopardize his marriage. Which marriage? With Aziza or another lady? Was he planning to marry? The author failed to tell his readers these details.
Line 20 read “Nyakeri told him the person that wanted to buy the television said he wants LG product and not Sharp”.The wants LG too should read “…wanted LG product…”.
In line 21, Muthwiri complained of what? I think appealed would be more appropriate to use there.
I am not sure the word credit is ok but rather airtime should be used in the last line.
I give him 5.
Posted by Ode Idoko | August 24, 2010, 5:28 pmI love the way the story ends with a lot of anxiety in one head. 10
Posted by Alvary Philip | August 24, 2010, 5:53 pmHmmmm. Nice one. I want this to be story of the week. I vote 10.
Posted by Akaas Nathan | August 24, 2010, 6:06 pmthis story is excellent because its trailing.i’ll give 10.
Posted by wampana paul | August 24, 2010, 6:16 pmIn all fairness the story is a lesson, desperate times calls for desperate actions but Muthwiri wasnt desperate, he was frustrated.
9
Posted by Filibus Yusuf | August 24, 2010, 6:46 pmGood stuff
Posted by Tunji | August 24, 2010, 8:07 pmThe story’s starting paragraph was well thought of; it is worth the story of the week. This makes me proud Sawa.
Posted by Dekmankind (Eru Emman) | August 25, 2010, 12:07 am…A good theme, but the delivery lacks substance. 4
Posted by Eberekpe | August 25, 2010, 1:27 amI give the story a 7.
Posted by Sylva | August 25, 2010, 2:09 amGood build up spoilt by grammatical errors. That gives it a 7.3
Posted by Maina | August 25, 2010, 8:22 amvery original with out of the box thinking! The events leading up to the main character´s current predicament are convincing furthermore, one can relate with the story easily. kudos! a deserving winning piece! I give it an 8.5
Posted by mura david | August 25, 2010, 3:49 pmthe starring n suspense mood from the way the story flows;interesing,i give it a 9.
Posted by joanne Njoki | August 25, 2010, 4:50 pmit really has to be the story of the week……..so so so realistik.9
Posted by joanne Njoki | August 25, 2010, 4:52 pmI enjoyed reading this story which is believable and goes to prove Murphey’s Law that everything that can go wrong will go go wrong.
Muthwiri got himself in s**t in such a short time, that I couldn’t help but laugh at him.
And for his trouble( Ater Sawa), I vote 9
Posted by Gitura Kihuria | August 25, 2010, 5:44 pmThis is an excellent waring knowledge only the wise can understand. Please keep it up
Posted by Elijah Mark | August 31, 2010, 6:38 pm