Storymoja

Celebrating East African Writing!

Destiny Unfulfilled by Lukoye Atwoli

Photo by Jerry Riley. Click on image or visit http://www.jerryriley.com/blog to see more pictures of Kenya

Pete can hardly see, despite the light cast by the bare light bulb hanging from the low ceiling. He chokes on the cigarette smoke, and every so often he involuntarily makes discreet coughing noises, as if the darkness must be accompanied by silence.

He surveys the scene before him- an empty pool table, a trio huddled over some indistinct conversation (more people hidden in the darkness beyond, perhaps?), a motley collection of figures slumped over tables, chairs and their own chests, and the naked light bulb. The bulb dominates the scene, refusing to be subdued by the smoky miasma that has swallowed up nearly everything else.

He turns his gaze to the woman (it IS a woman, isn’t it?) sitting away from the trio but staring at them as if longing to be part of the conversation. He thinks, irrelevantly, that she looks like someone fresh out of a Njeri Karago movie scene (whatever that is).

“Why am I thinking in brackets?” he asks himself.

The scarf she is wearing on her head looks as out of place as a nun in a brothel. She looks innocent, but not virginal, and he idly wonders whether her name is Virginia. He makes up his mind to approach her and find out if indeed this is the case, but that is the exact moment The Beast chooses to make his appearance.

The Beast emerges gradually out of the gloom at the edge of Pete’s left field of vision. Initially he (it?) is difficult to make out, and one would be forgiven for thinking that the thing materialised directly from the congealed smoke (not thin air!). Pete goes right ahead and forgives himself for thinking it, while at the same time wondering why he is thinking in brackets, why he is thinking at all.

“People don’t come to these sorts of places to think, let alone in brackets!” he mutters under his breath.

The Beast finally materialises in his (its?) full glory, a creature of enormous size and hideous features, and it does not help one bit that at only five feet tall, Pete is as petit as his name suggests. The Beast sweeps past him, clearly oblivious of his presence, and ambles towards Virginia (it WAS Virginia, wasn’t it?). He reaches her and taps her right shoulder.

Pete braces himself, brings his hands to his ears to block out the inevitable shriek as Beauty turns to meet The Beast, and is utterly shocked when her face melts into a disarming smile. She rises to meet him, hugs him, kisses him (revolting!), and leads him by the hand out of the darkling pub.

Pete is stunned. Today, of all days, when he has decided to end his loveless, sexless existence by preying on lasses such as Virginia, she just happens to be the Devil’s ‘The One’!

“Another day (another dollar).” This time he hears the voice adding the bracketed thoughts, and finally understands why some thoughts are in brackets.

©Lukoye Atwoli

If you would like this piece to be the Story of the Week, please vote below on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being weak, and 10 being excellent. The numbers will be tallied on Friday and the story with the highest figure shall be Crowned Story of the Week. Be sure to fill in your name and verifiable email. You can include your critique/comment after the vote.

15 comments on “Destiny Unfulfilled by Lukoye Atwoli

  1. Kinyanjui Kombani
    August 2, 2010

    This one is a definite 9. Nice twist

  2. Pauline Odhiambo
    August 3, 2010

    A definite 9. Good Stuff. Love the humour; especially the thinking in brackets! Although, does the name Pete really suggest petite?

  3. Ater Sawa
    August 4, 2010

    Superb! Rate this 9. Yeah… worth it. Nice play with words.

  4. Chrispus
    August 4, 2010

    The play of words is impeccable and so is the humour,i believe you are one of the most prolific writers coming out into the open now! A 9 from me

  5. kyt
    August 4, 2010

    the flow is ok, giving it a 7

  6. kyt
    August 4, 2010

    twist ok but do all stories have to have “banging” involved? 7

  7. Chrispus
    August 6, 2010

    Come on kyt,the writer is dictated by the stuff sorrounding him/her,just listen to radio shows,read the paper pull outs,read your facebook page and listen to pub talk,thats where the inspiration comes from,its not about being racy,

  8. sammy
    August 7, 2010

    Really creative,have read your works and i think you are great, a 9 for me.

  9. Dunn K Dunn
    August 8, 2010

    and the writer has it we need pieces like this a nine for Dunn

  10. Arita
    August 9, 2010

    I enjoyed reading the piece n i liked the environment picked by the writer….vocabulary was also very very impressive. Deserves a score that is excellent

  11. lea
    August 9, 2010

    Your touch of gramma fascinates me. Your story is a good read.

  12. Lukoye
    August 9, 2010

    Thanks guys for the vote(s) of confidence! The best audience in the whole world! Very motivating!

  13. Daktari
    September 20, 2010

    A ten is just the right score for this epic. Good.

  14. eve
    September 28, 2010

    i like it…lets say a 9

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