Celebrating East African Writing!

God Has Nothing to Do With It by Clifton Antony Gachagua

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“Maybe we should shoot the judge. I mean, rescheduling the case will take an eternity and by then our enemies will have given up.”

“We are not going to resort to violence. Let us just wait and see.”

“Then let us shoot the plaintiff.”

“We are the plaintiff dimwit.”

“Oh, I meant…”

“I don’t care if I have to sing that ATM machine a love song; it just has to cough up some money today. I swear I will sing it Mrina wanje if I have to.”

“If I stand here long enough I bet that tree will start shedding a thousand shilling notes. I just wish the guard could stop looking at me; I cannot even scratch without him shifting his gaze towards me. What happened to our country that a man cannot even scratch in public?”

“They have to give me the loan before the short rains otherwise I will end up with acres of fertile land with nothing but Napier grass and weeds. I can use some of it to repay my wife’s loans, she’s a fuel guzzler that one. Our lazy sons are already receiving letters from the students’ loan board. It’s like my whole life is built around a loan.”

“Boaz, have I ever told you I have a fear for traffic lights. I have a gut feeling that they can hear us.”

“Ma men, I know you can be a little eccentric but how can you even explain that?”

“I mean, think about it.  They just stand there and look at us, judge us as if we were inferior. They gossip about our inadequacy and exchange disgusted looks. I don’t trust their colors. Look at them wink without moving their eyebrows. I don’t like Nairobi at all. ”

“You spend too much time in your encephalitic head.”

“Go ahead and insult me. Why do you always have to bring up the size of my head? It’s not my fault that God gave me a big head.”

“God has nothing to do with your big head friend. It’s these things you keep telling me. I have no idea why traffic lights would haunt you. Last night you woke me up to tell me about your suspicions that Jesus might have been a woman!”

“I did have some valid points.”

“Valid? Valid? I told you man, you cannot base an argument on your ‘gut feelings’.”

“Let’s lust go home.”

“Hello, hello? Yes, I can hear you. May I ask who is calling? My name, who are you looking for? Listen, I don’t have time for this. But it is you who called me! I don’t care if you are the president I’m not telling you my name. Shetani wewe!”

“Yes? Who are you, eh? If you don’t stop calling me I will have to report you to customer care!”

“I will just walk around town until late; getting to the pub before the guys means that I have to settle their bills. Ah, I know. I’ll go and stand outside I&M and wait to see if today I will see one of the female anchors, Cynthia Nyamai hopefully.”

©Clifton Anthony Gashagua

If you would like this piece to be the Story of the Week, please vote below on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being weak, and 10 being excellent. The numbers will be tallied on Friday and the story with the highest figure shall be Crowned Story of the Week. Be sure to fill in your name and verifiable email. You can include your critique/comment after the vote.

21 comments on “God Has Nothing to Do With It by Clifton Antony Gachagua

  1. Beatrice Wainaina
    August 23, 2010

    There are too many stories in your story, that are left pending. It feels as though you are straining to fit everyting in the picture into your story, so you lack flow. I vote 4.

  2. carol ofafa
    August 23, 2010

    awesome!!! the way you try to capture the difference that exists within yet is similar without.a piece of true art i should say!!!!! i vote 10

  3. Moses K. Kiprono
    August 23, 2010

    My boy,u doin gud.av bn avin a gut feelin dat a shud read sth,u juz made ma crave larger.bgups,tho 4 a simple mynd lyk myn,a get lost.focus on a central plot.a 5 is gud,u cn hit 8 vry sun.

  4. Dennis Mungai
    August 23, 2010

    I find it hilarious & the whole plot is practical.The general flow came after readng on.I vote 8

  5. Lybel
    August 23, 2010

    You have handled several issues.I like the reality in it because truth be told sometimes we have to deal with all the big and little things in our head at the same time. Then at the end of the pondering and arguing with others or self, we don’t do anything about them. Typical Kenyans drink their problems down in a bar or sit on benches along the city streets.


  6. pauline
    August 23, 2010

    Nice story. captures alot of things that go round our head.some that big others amall and yet they are still issues that disturb us

  7. Frankline Sunday
    August 24, 2010

    I like the way the writer uses a convoluted dialogue format to vividly describe the story. The dialogue beats narration in that the reader gets an impression that he is not merely reading the story but eavesdropping on Boaz and his retarded friends. I give it a 9

  8. Gitura Kihuria
    August 24, 2010

    A humourous story about the two city idlers.

    Actually, the fear of traffic lights is not irrational in some police states like the US & UK where cameras mounted in every street and street lights( to check traffic offenders)watch your every move.

    It feels like they are intruding on your privacy.

    An 8 will do.

  9. Eberekpe
    August 25, 2010

    I love this, a bit of metaphysics and depth-the Jesus’ gender. Are African financial institutions helping to address the state of poverty in the continent; are these financial institutions able to stablise the continent’s economy such that when loans are taken, paying back do not become a burden…? 8

  10. Maina
    August 25, 2010

    Lovely. Well presented and it brings out the true picture of a Nairobian’s mind and demeanour. 8.5

  11. Winnie
    August 25, 2010

    A beautiful piece by the fact that it relates to a normal kenyan with typical problems thus easy 2 relate with, and has a nice touch of humour. Fear of traffic lights? Ha ha! I give it a 9.

  12. Kibet Rono
    August 25, 2010

    its all capturing whatever runs through a normal conversation from work gossip to individual rhetorics i give you a smart 7.

  13. chris Munene
    August 25, 2010

    my boy,thats quite creative.i lyk the way u give us a mental pic if ur ideas in a humorous way.kudos,i give u a 9.

  14. Chebett
    August 25, 2010

    I think it depicts Nairobi well. Scatter brains.. I vote 8

  15. Paul 'Dice' Kadasia
    August 26, 2010

    I like it,lv the way u bring out diffrent stories in one.Kuna parts sielewi(sijui ka mimi ndio mjinga…)bt that makes me want 2 read the story more…Nice one,i give it a 8

  16. kyt
    August 26, 2010


  17. kyt
    August 26, 2010

    3 too many loose ends tie them up!

  18. Esther Odenyi
    August 26, 2010

    The complaints are real because they are our day to day life, i mean we are Kenyans. Let me really feel that God has nothing to do with all these things. Good story here. you score 7.

  19. powerkidsensemble
    August 30, 2010

    excellent piece… which we can easily relate with coz its about the normal kenyan life….i give it a 6

  20. Sammy Wex
    August 30, 2010

    nice piece……real kenyan life that we can easily relate with….i give it a 7

  21. cynthia nyamai
    September 28, 2010

    You are talented and funny and I could see and relate to everything u say

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