Celebrating East African Writing!
(I speak not for myself but only write what my sources have asked me to.)
It has been interesting to watch you Kenyans run yourselves dry at the mouth over issues that you have totally misunderstood. In case you are at sea, I’m talking about our salaries and the taxes we should never pay. From the onset let me set some facts straight.
1. Kenyan M.Ps are not over-paid. If anything, just like the teachers and nurses we need a pay hike. The work we do for you ungrateful lot does not come anywhere near to matching the peanuts you pay us and then go bouncing off walls claiming we earn too much
2. Contrary to what most of you believe, we do pay taxes. We have been philanthropic enough to allow the taxman the first Kshs 250, 000 of our salaries. Never mind that you and your Kshs 10,000 always have to pay your dues to the taxman.
3. Our salaries are not idle as most of you have been led to believe. We have mortgaged our salaries!! How else do you think we have been able to sustain our luxurious lives? The fuel-guzzlers we drive to your slums, the mansions you come to infest with your fleas, do you think they just sprout from the ground?!!! Yeah we know you, too, have mortgages, but your lifestyles are different from ours; we are leaders we ought to maintain an image. Live within your means, who are you trying to impress?
4. Just a question, when you have funerals, harambees, or decide to put your litter through school only to realize you cannot foot the requisite fee, who do you turn to?? Yet you claim we have too much money.
It’s unfortunate that Kenyans might win in this fight but you can be sure the battle is ours. If you think having the taxman dig into our pockets will bring us down to your level, think again. We will always be one step ahead of you and will always come up with a plan to fleece you off your hard earned cash, that’s what the maize scam was all about.
You are a people who can afford nothing more than the staple food and in this we saw a business venture. We might have gone up in arms when the officials of the National Cereals Board at the time did not fit our cut but that was only because we wanted a lot that we could manipulate. The end result, we made good money before you finally had your way and for the record once the dust settles you can be sure we’ll be at it again.
We learnt a long time ago how it works with you people, you raise a hell lot of dust on issues but as soon as we find something to distract you with, you forget about it and that’s how we plan to get back into parliament come 2012. For now you are nowhere near our list of priorities, but not to worry come when we need you, we will be sure to come hunting for you.
In the mean time cool your heels. Despite what the pessimists might say, the Kenyan electorate has no memory and will soon forget all we have done and not done as soon as we promise them the heaven they will never have.
PS: In case you ever wondered why we always scramble to get in every 5 years and what we do in the chambers, imagine this. We have a kitchen and a dining room. In the kitchen is you, even we were there at some point. You diligently prepare a huge slab of ugali and place it in the dining room-that’s where we are. Every 5 years we scramble to get into the dining room and get away from all the smoke and sweat in the kitchen and into the cool air of abundance. On getting in we sit at the dining table roll up our sleeves and get on with the eating. It doesn’t matter how much noise you make, once we are on the table it’s all about us.
So when we go saying that allowing the taxman a share of our salaries is philanthropy, we are not playing at anything… just telling it as it is!!!
The opinions expressed in this article are those of the writer, and not necessarily those of Storymoja.