Celebrating East African Writing!
EVE: She is not that into you if…
1. She comes to a date several times with her best friend in tow. This way, she makes sure that nothing much happens. She is neither interested in getting to know you nor vice versa. Could be she showed up because you insisted and she did not want to appear rude. Her friend plays patron since clearly your company is not all she seeks.
2. She never picks up your calls nor returns them. Adams should know this better right? Just like you hardly ever call a girl you are not interested in after the first date, we also find it tasking talking to you and feigning interest as you go on and on about anything and everything. Other than hear the disappointment in your voice when we fabricate a story why we cannot go out for a movie with you for the umpteenth time, we find it much easier just to ignore the ringing phone. Now tell me, isn’t caller ID the best thing to ever happen after sliced bread?!
3. She does not make an effort to look good for you. When a lady wants to impress you, it means that she is interested in you and will go the extra mile to look good. A lady who cares less whether you see her in slacks or with her hair all over, just considers you as one of her buddies, nothing much. We get nervous around the guys we like and want them to think we are always perfect – even when we just woke up! Be careful though. Never assume that any smartly dressed woman is interested in you. Other factors come to play here.
4. She won’t ask for your help with anything. She does not want to feel indebted to you. If she insists on jumping up and down to reach something on a high shelf at the supermarket while you are standing right there beside her, you might as well be invisible. She seems to be saying “I don’t need you” there is no message clearer than that. Honestly.
5. She does not open up and is secretive. If by the third time you meet you do not know her best friend or her injudicious boss’ name, then you are not yet there. We ladies like to talk about our lives, if we are not letting you in, then it means we don’t’ think you are worth wasting precious time on. If you have to milk her hobbies, interests, likes and dislikes out of her then she is indeed not interested!
6. She keeps a physical distance. If she always insists on keeping a clear cut distance between you, then there you have it. If holding her hand makes her pull away, it is a clear sign that she does not want you to get any closer to her probably because she does not see you in ‘that way’.
7. She is not amused. Here is a secret you need to know fellows, when Eve is into you, no matter how stupid your joke is, she will laugh or at least make an attempt. If you give your best shot at humour only to be met with a straight face looking back at you, she really cannot say it any louder that she is not interested!
8. She does not get upset or jealous. We are emotional beings and if a man we are interested in does not call for a week without a plausible reason we expect an explanation. If you don’t call and she does not seem to care, take a walk. If you stare at another lady’s behind or flirt in her presence and she is unruffled then know that the ship already sailed and you were not in it. Women only get jealous and protective over what they want, and she clearly does not want you!
9. When you speak, she does not pay much attention and won’t ask for details about you, your life, your interests etc. She could drift away while you are in mid-sentence and seems not to hear a word you say. Keep going and she might yawn and no, she is not hungry or sleepy. Probably bored stiff. If this happens, just shut up and stop torturing her. She probably does not have the right words to tell you to get lost!
10. She will not talk to anyone about you; you are her little secret. If she is into you, she will tell it on the mountains. Your praise will be endless and her girlfriends will hear about you even before you know they exist. But if she won’t announce your existence to a soul then she is just not that into you!
ADAM: READ MY HIPS.
Should I spell it in rainbow colours or will black and white do? Listen Eve, the following are signs that your relationship with a certain Adam has moved from RIP to ANNIVERSARY. Please remember that some of the Adam kin are not heartless to brutally end relationships by sending an sms. So they hope that Eves will read the signs and act. Well….
1. He doesn’t call you.
With the economic meltdown breathing and snoring heavily down Adam’s neck, and with certain mobile telephone companies raking in billions of shillings just from people’s queer calling habits, Eve should ask herself why Adam should bother adding to the profits of certain companies. If Adam really loves Eve, then he will not send those cryptic sms that sound and read like letters of the alphabet of a certain dyslexic pupil at a nursery school. He will make the effort and call to talk. But if he does not call, sorry dear Eve, read the signs and move out or move on to another network like Gayline.
2. He forgets your birthday.
There are important dates to remember and there are useless dates to forget. Important dates include ones such as when the land lord will land on you cacophonously or when the KPLC blue eyed engineers will kata your power (or is it blackout) for not honouring an agreement that has more rope than space, or when the Nairobi City Water decides to permanently ration your water and take off with your meter. These are dates that any Adam does not forget because failure to do so will lead to a permanent disruption of dear life. So where does an annual birthday, valentine, mothers day, or anniversary fit in? Where? If you want Adam to remember your birthday, then change your name to NCC or KPLC. Or be super special. If not, then consider it over. However, there are exceptional cases like remembering all the World Cup winners, dates, scorers and even the referee’s and linesmen’s names. Now, that is being Adam.
3. You pay your own bills.
So you have decided to go out to wine and dine at some of those exclusive clubs (to Eve of course, to Adam it’s just another nuisance of a place). The bill comes to a whooping figure that makes Adam take out his calculator where he comes to the conclusion of what in soccer terms is called possession: 80% Eve: 20% Adam. And so Adam works out the bill and Eve has to pay out what she consumed. Of course, if Adam is really out to end a relationship, he will just do that. Many times. And if Eve doesn’t get and continues paying out her 80% possession, then who are we not to enjoy the 20%?
4. He doesn’t hold your hand in public.
Pretty children are between the age they can walk and maybe 6 years old when they become real brats. Adam does not mind holding the hands of these pretty children in public. And help them cross road, always coming between the road the child. Adam also does not mind doing this to Eves who have attained the minimum qualifications to be called pretty. If Adam lets you, Eve, be on the side of the road so that the car can slice some bits of your bum, then truly truly I say unto you, thy days are not numbered. They are over!
5. He fancies the boys over you.
Adrenaline. That is what Eve lacks. And that is what Adam goes for. So where do you find it? Champion’s league where Man Utd sees red (devils) and Arsenal stages a come back against Barcelona. Rugby Sevens where Injera and company outrun the village night runner and place the ball over the line. Athletics where the Kenyan cross country team scoops all the gold medals in an international competition. And all these Adam watches in the presence of his home boys who understand his tears when his team loses and his joy when there is victory. If Adam does not fancy an Eve, then the boys will do for company.
6. He is not jealous / possessive
So Eve goes out for a chama meeting on Saturday morning and comes back to her house on Sunday evening smelling like a busaary (where they brew busaa). Adam does not cause. Eve spends hours talking to other men, like the watchie, gazetiman, butcher, tout, pastor etc etc. Adam sees no big deal with all this. Well, he is such an understanding man, you think. Wrong. He has lost interest, because if he really really loved you, he would have caused enough world wars to keep his woman.
7. You are just friends.
There are friends, enemies and lovers. And the lines between the three are as thick as the ones on a football pitch. Everyone can see them and everyone knows when the ball has crossed the line. He tells you that you are okay as friends. Meaning you are at the same level with the mama mboga, the housegirl, his female colleagues at work. You are just another statistic to be kept close. You are not special.
8. He leaves his phone lying around.
Of course, the golden rule that all players learn in that College of Men is ‘read the sms and delete’. It is a rule that works wonders. So be very careful when Adam decides to give you his phone to hold for him as he takes a leak. Of course he knows you will snoop (because suddenly his phone has no security lock) and of course you do snoop and go through the 100 plus raunchy messages that he has not bothered to delete. And of course, Adam takes too long in the loo for you to go through 80% (ha ha, that magic number again) of the messages which are not from his drinking buddies. Get the message? It was over before it begun. Time to be substituted, Eve.
9. He tells you the truth.
If Adam is honest with you, Eve, then know that it is over. Because Adam was born to lie. And lie he does without a flinch.
10. He shakes your hand.
Adam will only shake your hand on the first day that you met. After that it will be a hug here or a touch on the shoulder. But if he insists on shaking your hand, the time to pack and say goodbye.
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