I have already moved on. I used to lie to him whenever he asked me that question. That was only because I always wanted to look stronger than he thought that I was. Deep within my heart though I still loved him and never stopped hoping that one day he would change his mind and tell me that I was the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
However, that never happened. We met in class in college and the moment I saw him my heart literally skipped a beat. Somehow we became desk mates and soon we were almost always together. I missed every moment that I was not with him and for that I would write messages with the silliest of contents. It didn’t matter that I saw him every evening I just wanted to keep in touch. We became dear friends and everyone else in class thought that we were an item. Some even could not help commenting what a perfect match of a couple we were. If only they knew.
One day I decided enough was enough and I decided that I would let the cat out of the bag by confessing my true feelings. Oops! Gals, don’t do that! I hear you say………..not me I am daring. He was quiet but I took that to mean he felt something too but at the present nothing doing. It took him another 8 months to share his feelings. I should have leapt with joy but I was sad. Sad in knowing that we could never have a relationship. Despite our deep friendship, we had these differences that none of us could afford to compromise on for a relationship.
Therefore as we talked we decided that the only way forward was to remain “just friends”. True as our feelings were. I will however never forget that evening. As long as I live it will forever be engraved in my memory. We talked about many things, watched movies and enjoyed the golden silence of each other’s company. I never at one second felt awkward in his presence and I thank the Almighty for that moment. As I left for my place, I was smiling because I knew that I would hang on that moment forever. I made many more visits but none could beat that moment.
Still my fear of heartbreaks kept me away from him. I found myself avoiding him but we kept meeting. And with each meeting, the memory of that moment replayed in my mind. How could I move on from this? I, consequently, decided the only way to pretend that I had gotten over him was to pretend that I had actually done so and then maybe I would in reality.
That never happened. We shared so many groups and classes that our paths kept crossing. Again I never thought that I would stand hearing or seeing another chick with him though I had promised to respect his future decisions as he would mine. One day he said that he wanted to share something with me and I thought finally!!!!!!!!!!!! The guy had come to his senses. Oh how wrong I was.
He had only come to tell me that he had found someone else. Though, I had been suspecting it, I had not wanted to believe it. I made another promise that I never intended to keep that nothing was going to change between us. I cried that night and the moment replayed in my mind. I had never intended to let go but it was like I was being forced to.
As a “good friend” I was even supposed to offer advice! What irony?
It has been 5 years since our friendship started and 6 months since his heart wrecking revelation and still after all this time. I AM STILL HANGING BY THAT MOMENT.
©Teresa W. Maina 2009
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