Celebrating East African Writing!
!@#$%^&*()! Was the sound of a crash!
I jumped under the table, then quickly remembered I’m the man who is supposed to stand tall and protect the rest. Luckily, no one was in the house at the time, or it would have been embarrassing. Imagine my wife and son seeing me jump and hide.
“Thieves!” I thought. So I decided to position myself close to a weapon in case of any attack. I took the machete in the backyard and tactically spied through the window – no one on sight.
“Phew – a battle I will fight another day!” I quipped to myself. But then I remembered a name; Michelle – my wife- she was outside. I mustered courage at once and went to see what had just transpired.
Petrifying was what – Joe’s Beautiful sedan had just rammed on a lamp post! The post was now dangling precariously above the vehicle and it was a matter of time before it fell on it. I dashed quickly with no shirt and my little shorts to the driver’s cabin to inspect if there was anyone inside – there was no one.
“The Person must have gotten out on time.” I thought. A creaking sound, and I knew another second there and my ass would be in for the whole nine yards. And just as I escaped the lamp caved in on the car completely smashing it into bits.
I went back got a T-shirt and a pair of trousers and slippers. I came back out and there was Rose – Andrews’s wife.
“What happened here?”
“Well I, rushed outside and found the car here abandoned!” I answered. We discussed the situation and in no time the whole court in our cul-de-sac had gathered, everybody talking in small bits adding their insight of what they thought had happened. Joe, the owner was the last to arrive. He came out with nothing but the towel. Pulling on his hair he was kicking and gnashing his teeth baying for the blood of the one who did this.
“Who was here first on the scene?” he bellowed.
Everybody pointed at me. At that time my wife came from God knows where, looking deranged.
“Dick, I’m going to kill you! You are responsible!” He dashed and grabbed me by the shirt and put me against the wall. Rose came and tried to stop him and pleaded with him to leave me as she was at the time there with me. His eyes were blood shot filled with rage. I was cool and calm; unalarmed. Then I picked it, that rather peculiar scent. I stared at my wife and I realized something. I started sniffing on Joe.
“Man, what the hell are you doing? Is this the way you were taught to put up a fight?” Joe asked. I sniffed on regardless and I knew it; concluded it. I was outraged. How dare he do this to me! With one swift move which could make superman look like a sissy, I knocked Joe’s hands off me, side stepped and grabbed Joe’s towel and pulled it off. What I saw? Almost had me faint. It was not what Joe was carrying down there, or his nudity; because he was well covered, well covered with my wife’s size 8 panties!
“You are a Tiger, Andy!” said Mwikali after an exhaustive couple of pleasurable hours now lying on Andrew’s Chest. “You know I’m the only Tiger that hunts around here – that even on top of your husband.” said Andrew chortling.
“Now, now, now – I wouldn’t get ahead of myself if I were you. That is for me to decide.” She said chortling back.
!@#$%^&*() was the sound of a loud crash!
Mwikali squealed as Andrew ducked to the side of the bed on reflex and grabbed her pulled her on his side.
“Thieves!” Andrew thought aloud and then with urgency told Mwikali to wait right where she was, and not to come out till he said so. He went to his closet and grabbed his registered gun since he was a bodyguard for a local politician. He went stealthily and sneaked through the doors holding the gun in one hand while scathing the wall. When he got to the front gate he realized that it was still locked so he went back to the house told Mwikali what just happened.
“Maybe that’s the queue for me to head back before my husband realizes I’m not in!” Mwikali said alarmed. Andrew tried to calm her but she wouldn’t heat any of it. She was really scared because her husband was ruthless and sometimes beat her up, but Andrew gave him comfort and security and that’s why she always hanged out with him. Andrew tried to calm her once more but she was running all over the house picking what she wore and put it back on.
After arranging her hair a little she came rushing out; Andrew tried to chase and tell her that she still had it on. But it was too late! She rushed outside to find that it was her husband’s car that had crashed! Joe! She rushed to the vehicle with the lamp post on top of it hoping for the best and wishing away the worst. She went tried to open the mangled doors and shouted her husband’s name all that time not realizing that a big crowd had just gathered and was watching her. When she looked up she couldn’t believe her eyes; Joe was standing naked holding on his crotch- embarrassed! Dick was standing next to him tongue tied seething with anger with Joe’s towel on one hand. Then as the sun wakes in the morning after a night, it finally dawned on her why there was utmost silence and tension in a crowd of about 10 people – Joe was wearing some other woman’s underpants!
“I am the man!” Joe said while dusting his shoulders feeling all boisterous – he finally done it ! And he felt like he had won a jack pot. He had had an eye on Dick’s wife for so long and he had ogled over her with desire. He had fancied her since the first day he moved in and Dick came over with her to welcome him to the neighborhood. He had always thought Dick was a lucky man – for he was the man that married the lady who was the cutest in Joe’s class during primary school – how he was shy those days and broke. Michelle was just in a class of her own – smart in class: high grades, confident with looks to die for. At that time he always thought he was not in Michelle’s league, but with the years having passed he had grown in confidence and in wealth and surely he felt, that at this moment he could meet all off Michelle’s A-list requirements. And now he had done it! Standing outside his room while she slept in his wife’s bed – then he remembered Mwikali – “Gold digging wife! All she wants me for is money!” he banged on the wall with anger.
They hadn’t made love the whole of that year – a whole 12 months – and he was tired of that – tired of everything – tired of her. Then all of a sudden…
!@@#$%^&*()! Was the sound of a loud crash!
Joe unfazed with his cigar on one hand remained calm. Michelle came rushing out the room covered only by a bed sheet.
“Joe – what the hell was that!” Joe looked up and told her to get back to sleep it was nothing. Michelle went back but in a space of about 2 minutes she came back fully dressed ready to leave. Joe wasn’t satisfied – he wanted the icing on the cake.
“And where are you heading now dear? I was just getting to the best part.” He to her and kissed her.
“I gotta go my husband is very mindful, being the chairman of the court- if it’s something serious and I’m not there- he will become worried.”
Joe told her to wait first so he could go check it out and prove to her that it was nothing serious then they can get back to what they were doing.
“Fair enough.” Michelle said seating on the couch. Joe with his towel on came out totally ignorant. He went over to the tap and splashed some water to appear as if he had just taken a shower then pondered as to where Oloo- Michelle’s son and his daughter Ciku who were dating; had gone with his car.
“I hope those kids take of my car” he mumbled his tummy hanging over the towel. When he did get out of the house he couldn’t believe what he saw in the distance! His car!
He came running holding his head shouting, “My Car; My second wife – Oh My Car!” Despite the large tummy Joe ran so fast you wouldn’t believe it. He got over his car – a large crowd had gathered – he came howled next to the car – touching it affectionately. Then now seething with anger he turned to the crowd, “Who was first on the scene?” the crowd singled out Dick. Dick the man whose wife he had just slept with! His wife – Michelle – then he noticed – Michelle was already in the crowd; “What the – How did she … I thought I had left her in my house?” He’s short temper started to rise again –watching as Michelle moved to be next to her husband.
“Dick I’m going to kill you! You are responsible!” He said as he rushed towards him and grabbed him by his shirt.
In the confusion being all tall and huge he noticed his wife rushing out of Andrew house! The crowd hadn’t noticed, “So it’s true that woman, my wife has been visiting Andrew the bodyguard!” he said to himself then he realized that Dick was sniffing on him, “Man what the hell are you doing – is this the way you were taught to put up a fight?” he asked him then glanced back at his wife rushing towards the car- then when she was about to call her name – it all happened like lightning – he was standing naked – Dick was holding a machete and his towel and he was like he had seen the devil! He reached on his crotch to cover his nakedness then realized he was safe – he had boxers on so his nakedness was covered so he feigned a smile – Then he looked down to see the boxers he had worn coz he didn’t even remember when he slid on to one as he was focused on getting back to Michelle. He couldn’t believe his eyes. It was Michelle’s underpants! Then all of a sudden his wife stood in front of him with her mouth wide opened! Then another thing dawned on him looking closely on his wife’s chest he was wearing the same t-shirt Andrew was wearing when they had met in the morning as he took out trash!
Suddenly, Joe burst out in full speed. I was running in full pursuit still holding on to his towel swinging my machete like it was the blades of a Chopper! My wife followed and so did Rose, Michelle and Mwikali as all the able chased behind trying to stop me from committing a felony. The look on Joe’s face was not that of fear but anger. I threw my machete and he dodged it skillfully as if he was doing 100 meter hurdles! I must say for a naked man his size he was pretty fast and he had covered enough distance from me. He was heading straight for Andrews house. The scene though serious was funny. A big naked man with size 8 panties and a man with only a t-shirt and shorts chasing after!
He came and charged into Andrews’s gate. By the time I had got there Andrew and Joe had exchanged a couple of blows and were rolling on the floor. Andrew was bare-chested showing up all his bodyguard muscles, Joe had a bloated lip I came in and jumped in the mêlée and a fight of three was on! By the time the whole crowd and the able men had got to us we had each a black eye, clawed back, bitten arms and there were broken stuff everywhere.
The men within the crowd came and overpowered us holding each of us back. Then the other women of the estate followed and came in after they also had stopped our wives from killing each other, saying that we should all calm down and let Oloo and Ciku – my son and Joe’s daughter to speak for they had something to say about the car.
When we all settled down and Joe had some clothes on to cover his nakedness. All three of us seething in anger were sizing and eyeing each other from a distance. As if the day hadn’t had enough surprises already the children stood valiantly and openly, boldly told us that the car accident was no coincidence.
Joe, jumped in with anger, “If it’s no coincidence then you must know who is responsible!”
“Yes we do!“ said the children.
“Then out with it already!” Joe yelled, unable to be patient as the men jumped again in case he decided to start another tantrum.
“The people responsible for ramming the vehicle in to the lamp post were us!”
“What!” Shouted the whole cul-de-sac. Joe sunk to his knees and asked his daughter why they did what they had done. They proceeded in telling us how they had precariously watched from a distance for the last couple of weeks, how maddening and irresponsible their parents were flirting with each other, when Joe was hitting on my wife Michelle, Andrew on Joe’s wife Mwikali, and how one day as they were walking home overheard Rose – Andrew’s wife - talking on her cell phone speaking to a friend, telling the person on the other end that she was really interested in me and that she already knew of her husband’s and Joe’s affairs and was going to pull a fast one on his husband by eventually engaging in coitus with me!
In reality, I had planned to meet Rose later on during the week and finish all this flirting she had started. But it was under wraps. I guess I was the only careful one amongst Joe, Andy and myself. Then they told everyone how Joe gave them the vehicle so as to keep them away from the house and that is when they decided enough was enough and that they were going to do something!
We all just sat back and stared at our children with shock – like we all had just seen and witness the coming back of Jesus Christ.
©Fidel Ongollah 2009
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