I write this with utmost sadness. As I write this letter I am totally in the balance about where our relationship sits. I wrote you two letters early last week which went unreplied. I am trying to figure out what is going on but I have nothing.
Your friend Ms. Danielle wrote me a letter which I received yesterday. She has never written to me before nor have we talked on occasions earlier than today. Her letter brought tears upon my eyes. I refused to believe the content of that letter. My Doris, I know I have been gone long, I know I haven’t been a perfect husband and I know in me you see not a perfect father. But that is never a reason to sleep with someone else. My heart split open as I read about this on a piece of paper. I read it over and over again, each time praying to God to change those words….
My Doris, I have suffered many a losses in my short life. I have watched people crawl into my life and leap out. I have seen it all. I have but one problem. I have never learnt how to hold on to someone tight enough to be comfortable when they leave. I don’t know how not to hold tight. My heart breaks every-time, but I never learn.
My love, I beg you, tell me you have been faithful – and if you have my love, I kindly ask you to send me a letter. A blank letter. Write nothing on it. I know in my heart that I have loved you right. I put you first. I have never hit you or raised my voice at you. I have never cheated on you. I have given you everything you have asked me for. I don’t know how not to love you. I have loved you how the Bible has taught me to… yes I have.
I sit in silence, the hot coffee now cold and lifeless. I drift away everytime I think about you, your touch and you kiss… my breath gets caught when I think about you. You are beautiful. Why are you so scared and apprehensive, so defensive and withdrawn? I keep getting a fresh cup of coffee, and I keep forgetting its there.
I agree what we have had hasn’t been perfect. But then again, what is perfect? A woman with long living in a tall tower and throws down her hair whenever her lover comes over? Or a woman forgetting her glass slipper behind only to be found by a prince who brings it to her and they live happily ever after?? My love, what is perfect?!
I think I have said enough! The more I write, the tighter I hold you in my heart. That is a dangerous place to be. I have always fought for you. I promised never to give up on us no matter how far apart we were. I once read a quote by Goethe that said, ”When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.”
I held on knowing you would love me as much as I do you, and there is no reason to hold on if that is absent.
I think about you all the time. I love you. I want you. I need you.
Yours Faithfully in Love,
©Ian Arunga 2011 http://arungaian.typepad.com
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