Celebrating East African Writing!
“I can’t believe you still think it’s important”, she said. Back then when we had this conversation I believed it was important. But now I don’t think it is either. I know it should, I want it to, but it doesn’t, the realization makes me feel….. nothing. No remorse, no regret, no guilt. Nothing. I cannot work up any emotion after losing something I considered precious for 26 years. I ‘lost’ my virginity 5 day ago. Yes, I had my first full sexual ‘encounter’ at the age of 26 and I feel nothing. I should, right? I should feel some form of loss or something. I remember laying there waiting for some dramatic effect, a gash of blood probably that would act as evidence of my ‘loss’ but there was nothing, perhaps leading to my lack of feeling.
Last year as I had the above conversation with Ann I firmly believed in virginity and the fact that girls should hold on to it as long as possible, until marriage if possible. I guess this strong belief stemmed from years of Christian teaching and counseling. ‘If God was looking for a Mary today would He choose you?’ or ‘guys only want one thing from you’ that kind of teaching. And as a good student I stood by this teaching, ditching guys along the way (some that I liked too) even getting ditched once for holding on to my belief! This is why am so baffled that now that it has happened why I have no feeling about it. Of course after it happened I put on a show of this-shouldn’t-have-happened, it’s-wrong. But mostly I think I was only trying to convince myself, to get myself to believe again.
I remember the days at campus, of tales and tales of sexual escapades. I recall feeling so out of place with the rest of the crowd. I used to think to myself ‘how can they live with themselves?!’ Of course they believed that I was one of them. I couldn’t master the courage to tell them that I was a virgin. And so I survived the circus that is campus ‘intact’ all the while as I watched my friends get de-flowered all around me. In the office, talk of ‘needing to get laid’ is all the jazz. Sex is the remedy for almost everything, from a foul mood to a common cold. How do I tell my workmates that asprin is my only relief to the flu?
I guess the question is why give it up now after putting up a spirited fight for so long? Did I finally meet my match and I couldn’t put up a fight? Do I no longer believe in virginity, chastity or purity? No, it is not about being unable to put up a fight or that I stopped believing in this virtue because I still do. I think it’s because I wanted in. I want in on a relationship. I am 26 years old and the longest relationship I have ever had with any guy is 5 months long because of the simple reason that I will not have sex.
The truth is sex is a natural part of love and any adult relationship will not survive without it. I know many will refute, I was among these people for a long time, but it is the truth. Having contemplated this for a long time and accepted it as so, I had sex 5 days ago. Perhaps this fact has not sunk in yet but I pray that I will be able to handle it when it does.