God Has Nothing to Do With It by Clifton Antony Gachagua

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“Maybe we should shoot the judge. I mean, rescheduling the case will take an eternity and by then our enemies will have given up.”

“We are not going to resort to violence. Let us just wait and see.”

“Then let us shoot the plaintiff.”

“We are the plaintiff dimwit.”

“Oh, I meant…”

“I don’t care if I have to sing that ATM machine a love song; it just has to cough up some money today. I swear I will sing it Mrina wanje if I have to.”

“If I stand here long enough I bet that tree will start shedding a thousand shilling notes. I just wish the guard could stop looking at me; I cannot even scratch without him shifting his gaze towards me. What happened to our country that a man cannot even scratch in public?”

“They have to give me the loan before the short rains otherwise I will end up with acres of fertile land with nothing but Napier grass and weeds. I can use some of it to repay my wife’s loans, she’s a fuel guzzler that one. Our lazy sons are already receiving letters from the students’ loan board. It’s like my whole life is built around a loan.”

“Boaz, have I ever told you I have a fear for traffic lights. I have a gut feeling that they can hear us.”

“Ma men, I know you can be a little eccentric but how can you even explain that?”

“I mean, think about it.  They just stand there and look at us, judge us as if we were inferior. They gossip about our inadequacy and exchange disgusted looks. I don’t trust their colors. Look at them wink without moving their eyebrows. I don’t like Nairobi at all. ”

“You spend too much time in your encephalitic head.”

“Go ahead and insult me. Why do you always have to bring up the size of my head? It’s not my fault that God gave me a big head.”

“God has nothing to do with your big head friend. It’s these things you keep telling me. I have no idea why traffic lights would haunt you. Last night you woke me up to tell me about your suspicions that Jesus might have been a woman!”

“I did have some valid points.”

“Valid? Valid? I told you man, you cannot base an argument on your ‘gut feelings’.”

“Let’s lust go home.”

“Hello, hello? Yes, I can hear you. May I ask who is calling? My name, who are you looking for? Listen, I don’t have time for this. But it is you who called me! I don’t care if you are the president I’m not telling you my name. Shetani wewe!”

“Yes? Who are you, eh? If you don’t stop calling me I will have to report you to customer care!”

“I will just walk around town until late; getting to the pub before the guys means that I have to settle their bills. Ah, I know. I’ll go and stand outside I&M and wait to see if today I will see one of the female anchors, Cynthia Nyamai hopefully.”

©Clifton Anthony Gashagua

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