Celebrating East African Writing!

Illicit by Alex Mutua


(Mr. Njogu the mechanic read it. He is sited at watching the sky. His boss, Luke Markarius sees him.)

Njogu: (whispering to himself) Mundu, Ngai fafa, what are these clowns up to.

Markarius: Njogu what is it? You are not working and you are talking to yourself.

Njogu: Gatheti, boss, MPs are on it again, millioni imwe, tax free! Rehe gatheti iyo!

Markarius: We are used to that we business men…it is one of the old clichés!

Njogu: Crichi ni nduu, do you know the burden we are carrying? Mkenya  mdharendo?

Markarius: I know, I know. (Looks at the paper.)

Njogu: Dhukuru are being closed, thigari are asking for more, na university want more bread.

Markarius: Wait we see, treasury can not allow that to happen (thoughtful).

Njogu: Mani…Anything can happen ia, kwari, maize scandal, na anglo leasing. Na mwabatha – porti. Yaani guku, anything can happen, si they bought Ocampo na bia cia Kenya, where is he?

Markarius: Njogu, you know so much, where do you get all that?

Njogu: Media cia ghetto and they want too to control redio too…aguruki, MPs are mad…me ndiui! But in my life time I might not make a million…

Markarius: Its time to vote with conscious and conscience …for the draft Njogu.

Njogu: (laughing) ha! Ha! Ha! Boss… I am thinking twice this time, see what happen last time we voted.

Markarius: I’m proud to be a Kenyan…

Njogu: Eh! Good for you…Na we are now citizen ma East Africa…

Markarius: Yah that reminds me, we need to extend our wings, there is hope.

Njogu: Then you err… increase my Salo…boss. Maisha hii ya Kenya has sky rocketed.

Markarius: What…but I increased your salary last month to 12000bob!

Njogu: Mwathani!  Ksh12, 000 versus ksh1, 000, 000. Tell me, can’t you see some weirdness, boss?

Markarius: Me.  Luke Markarius. Add you more money! The budget doesn’t even recognize small time traders, Njogu.

Njogu: Al-shaabab are employing Kenyan bothi…see! I have an option.

Markarius: What are you saying, Njogu? (angry voice)

Njogu: Weeh! Si hata gava na kanitha wali intermarry na Mugiki… see boss ino ni Kenya njeru.

Markarius: Wait, this is not funny.

Njogu: Tunatesana, tunauana, tunapendana  na kura…tuna vote…that’s funny boss.

Markarius: That your head is bloody heavy, aren’t you afraid of dying of burden?

Njogu: I have a seven year old politician son and a four year old daughter who want to be a sexy model.

Markarius: Oh my gosh, Njogu!

Njogu: She said that to me, kartuni…cuando seas mia soaps…this TV is killing a young minds.

Markarius: Then ban the machine from your house. (Throwing hands up.)

Njogu: Have tried but my wife deprived me my conjugal err… rights boss.

Markarius: Ha ! Ha! Ha!

Njogu: Bothi. Mwathani…what is funny?

Markarius: Your wife…what is she?

Njogu: She calls herself the liberated ‘woman’ (laughing) and freed by the constitution rights.

Markarius: Go back to work; equality is knocking the door.

Njogu: But I punched her a little, muruthi wa nyumba it’s me! That African law stands!

Markarius: Haiya!

©Alex Mutua 2010

If you would like this piece to be the Story of the Week, please vote below on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being weak, and 10 being excellent. The numbers will be tallied on Friday and the story with the highest figure shall be Crowned Story of the Week. Be sure to fill in your name and verifiable email. You can include your critique/comment after the vote.


8 comments on “Illicit by Alex Mutua

  1. kyt
    July 12, 2010

    noma sana 9


  2. chrispus
    July 13, 2010

    am dying of laughter alex, you have clearly killed it or nailed it there, good flow and clearly you one politically conscious writer, a nine from me but try to explain some translations, good man


  3. mwenda
    July 14, 2010

    9 for me.
    Mwathani! Ksh12, 000 versus ksh1, 000, 000. Tell me, can’t you see some weirdness, boss? Hahahahahahaha.


  4. Beth
    July 23, 2010

    this is a very funny piece, though it brings out the concrete reality in Kenya. I Love it


  5. Muthoni
    July 27, 2010

    Wow! Na hii ndio maendeleo
    …eh, in writing


  6. vero ndung'u
    September 20, 2010

    kudos Alex ………8 will do you good


  7. eve
    September 29, 2010

    i totally love it! a 9.5


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