Celebrating East African Writing!

When I was almost gone… Carol Gaithuma

I was afraid, but I didn’t want to show

So I didn’t 

I checked into hospital 


I was going to be there for one week 

I wondered how I was gonna survive

If I was gonna survive at all

I survived through the admission process to wonder

Is it that no one cared to encourage me and be with me at that point?

Is it that everyone thought I was as strong as i was pretending to be?

Is it that someone did not know I was being admitted that day?

Is it that anyone in my position would have found themselves in the pit of loneliness I was in?

She had told me that she would accompany me, now it was too late for her considering where home is

He had told me that he would drop me but he was working till late

Even HE had told me he would drop me but he told me his car broke down

So here I was

Scared, lonely, sad and most importantly, sick,

I changed into my hosipital gown, got into the bed and waited

For the anesthesiologist to take me through how she would put me to sleep

For the doctor to explain how he would slit me open

For the nurse to put me on a drip

For the other patients’ visitors to go so I could hear my thoughts

For my tears to dry and my sobbing to stop so I could sleep

As the last of my tears dropped onto the pillow and the sleep overpowered me,

I knew for sure 

that if I died, no one would have the privilege of saying they spent that day with me

that if I died, someone would think ‘what a strong girl she was’

that if I lived , everyone would know that I have never felt so alone in my life

But I also realized that you only need God to pull through whats left of your life

Because when the guys in green came to take me to theater the following morning at 7am,

I still dint know if I would live to tell my story but I was relaxed and most importantly,

I did not feel alone because I was not alone

© Carol Gaithuma 2009


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