Celebrating East African Writing!

Adam vs Eve: Lies, Lies, Lies by Clifford C. Oluoch

Eve: Adam’s Lies Exposed

Adam can sure lie – I’ll give him that. His lies are so believable because truth be told, he knows what Eve wants to hear. He spews fibs to avoid a tiff or to get out of a tricky situation. The lies are so many, where to begin?

1.         “I only have eyes for you”

Adam will swear that he is only interested in you and that other women are invisible to him only to ogle at attractive women when you are not looking. His eyes are for any attractive Eve that comes along so don’t fall for that lie.

2.         “No, you don’t look fat in that”

Without batting an eyelid, he will say things like “I don’t think your thighs (stomach, breasts, hips, etc.) are too big…. Miss Kenya has nothing on you….you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen” even when he wishes you could hit the gym like yesterday! You believe all that? Really? Come on…. He tells this to all his girlfriends so don’t be too quick to blush at the flattery. Uw0ngo mtupu!

3.         “It happened only once”

Like that is supposed to make Eve feel better? Before you forgive his transgressions, ask yourself what the odds are that you would catch him pants down at his first attempt. Chances are things have been going on behind your back so much that he has become careless and you only happened to find out then. The Swahili say siku za mwizi ni ‘arobaini’ for a reason.

4.         “It’s OK if you are not ready; all I want is a cuddle / just a kiss.”

“We can just lie here and talk” is what he will say when you insist on not giving up the ‘cookie’. This is aimed at making you feel comfortable while putting you in a compromising situation. So you agree to harmless cuddling, then the cuddle turns to just a kiss, and before you know it, you are between the sheets!

5.         “Yes, am married but I feel trapped.”

Sure! Believe this fallacy and he will remain trapped forever ‘till death do them part’. Chances are he likes being trapped and that is why he is still married. He will claim not to love his wife anymore, but what else can he tell you Eve? What else can he tell you in order to keep his marriage intact and have an affair with you at the same time? That he is using you as a sex toy? Of course he cannot say that silly! By telling you the truth, he will lose you; Adam does not want that!

6.         “She is just a friend.”

If you suspect that something is going on between him and his lady ‘friend’, then it most certainly is. When you think that the look exchanged between them was not so innocent, or the touch of their hands during a handshake lingered longer than it should, or the absent-minded stroke of her arm was unnecessary, then your instincts are most probably right. Don’t listen to the words coming from his mouth. Adam is a liar, remember?

7.         “I have never felt this way about anyone else”

For Eve to get intimate, she needs to feel special. Adam is not a fool; you think he does not know that? He does! So by telling you how special you are, and how the feelings he has for you are unprecedented, he is laying out a trap to have you comfortable enough to give in. What a genius!

8.         “It did not mean a thing.”

If he is locking lips or getting intimate with another woman, it sure means something. It means that not even the knowledge that he has a girlfriend or a wife is enough to make him keep his hands off her! But you knew this right? So why do you believe him when he uses this tired line?

9.         “I’m listening”

No he is not! Does he have the TV’s remote control in his hands? Then in between timely ‘Mmm…mhs’ he is wondering when Rooney will finally score to equalize Arsenal’s score against Man U. You will keep on yapping and yapping as he enjoys the game and urges you ever so convincingly that “Honey, go on. I’m listening!” Yeah, right.

10.       “You will always come first.”

Coming first means after his hobbies, career, ‘the boys’ and if he is an alcohol lover – tough luck, after his drink! Men always make promises that they do not intend to keep. That is why they vow to forsake all others but end up being unfaithful. Don’t act surprised when “You will always come first” becomes “You will always come after…”

I could go on and on since the list is endless but ladies, you can always tell when Adam is lying. Do not ignore your instincts. This is one of the most powerful things we have that Adam doesn’t.

Adam: Why Lie…..

Adam might not be that romantic but he ain’t stupid and can smell a lie from Eve miles away.

1. I am not jealous.

He he, Eve has the guts to utter such words, yet the size of the kiwaru bulging on her throat is bigger than a water melon. Eve was born to be jealous and there is nothing that makes her more jealous than the sight and presence of other Eves hovering around her Adam.

2. I am pregnant.

This is one of the most tired lines that Eves have tried since time immemorial to tie down and shackle Adam into a relationship. It is one of those lines that, and will continue to, backfire at meteoric speeds. At the end of the day, it will always be Eve who carries the pregnancy while Adam is left to roam. So style up Eve, your being pregnant will not tie down Adam.

3. It is your kid.

Research shows that more than half the men are bringing up children who were fathered by other men. What this research does not tell you is that more than half of those Eves who bore these children do not know who the fathers of the kids are. Forget that tired line that it is only the mother who knows the paternity of her kids.

4. I am broke.

Of course Eves never have any money. Nor do they ever go hungry, nor does their hair ever miss being tended to. So where does all this money come from? If it comes from men (always plural), then what does Eve do with the money that she saves? There has to be a place where this money is hidden. Well, Adam is searching.

5. It is okay with me…

So you forgot her birthday or you did not get her a gift on Valentine’s Day or you forgot to get a chocolate for her. Adam, when Eve says it is okay, be very scared. With Eve, it is never okay. Every goof by Adam is registered, stored to later be used as ammunition when a volcano erupts. Marriage: Which Eve is willing to wait another year or so to settle down with Adam? Eve, Adam knows very well that it is not okay when you say it is okay.

6. Enjoy your night with the boys.

Suspicious Eve once tried sitting through a game of football and she could not understand all the passion and emotions that grown up men exhibited while watching these games. So she opted out and gave Adam the green light to go out and enjoy with the boys. For Eve, anything and anyone, that takes Adam away from her is always a threat.

7. I have a headache aka ‘I am rolling…’

This is a tired cliché but it rings true centuries later. Adam may not remember useless dates but he does have a clue when the red army invades his Eve. So cut the crap Eve and just say it as it is.

8. You are the best.

Compared to who? Who said that it was a competition with the rest of Adam kind? Eve just says these words to make Adam happy and make him know he still is in contention with others.

Adam needs not to be told that the love making was great. He will know from Eves breathing to sweating to cuddling. And if it was great, her body and not her mouth, will do the talking.

9. I love your family / buddies.

The only person that Eve loves in Adam’s family is Adam himself. You see Adam’s family members have known Adam for the longest time possible. This makes Eve very uncomfortable especially during family gatherings where private jokes are shared, childhood memories relived. Of course Eve feels like an outcast during these gathering. And that is why she resents them.

10. It is not the money….

Of course, it is never the money Eve. It is the big car, the house in leafy areas, the chic restaurants, the flights to Mombasa and beyond. Of course money has nothing to do with all this.

© Clifford C. Oluoch 2010

If you would like this piece to be the Story of the Week, please vote below on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being weak, and 10 being excellent. The numbers will be tallied on Friday and the story with the highest figure shall be Crowned Story of the Week. Be sure to fill in your name and verifiable email. You can include your critique/comment after the vote.


One comment on “Adam vs Eve: Lies, Lies, Lies by Clifford C. Oluoch

  1. kyt
    May 27, 2010

    spot on cliff_9


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