Celebrating East African Writing!

How to Catch a Cheating Woman by Martin Njaga

Here is the question that has vexed men for generations…and continues to do so even at this age of DNA and at a time when many Kenyan men are discovering that the brats they have been toiling for are not theirs after all. (I knew that blockhead was too stupid to be mine!)

How could women do this to us? I mean when all is said and done, the loser who refused to pay school fees for his kids and took pints at the local pub appears to have been the clever one now.

‘Ha!’ Says he now, ‘at least I wasn’t conned out my money as well!’

All along ati we thought we were on top, that they were gullible and naïve in their thirst for love and companionship. Kumbe they were so ahead of the game! Any man can be smart, but it takes a woman to know that the highest form of intelligence is that that can cloak itself with an air of foolishness.

Now men are all over the city, luring their (former) little darlings to DNA clinics to confirm their worst fears. Others (probably with much better founded fears) are avoiding the trip all together (If I have spent a fortune rearing someone else’s kid, why throw away another 5k for something that won’t change anything…We Waiter!… leta Tusker ingine!)

Back to things that do matter, why is it that women are never caught cheating while a man caught sampling matundas from outside his patch hardly even makes headlines in the village gossip? Oh yes! Women cheat too. Just ask those poor Nairobi dudes agonizing in the corridors of DNA clinics with khaki envelopes. They cheat, just that they never get caught.

You see, they are not dumb enough to park their cars outside Sabina Joy. They have the sense to check their blouses for incriminating stains (I just can’t think of any though) and to avoid stuffing their pockets with their lover’s underwear.

Men on the other hand suffer from two fronts; One is the fact that all women are brought up to be suspicious of their spouses (is that really ketchup on your shirt?!!) Any little deviation from the norm will instantly be picked up and investigated. Men live in a never land where their wives can never cheat on them. A woman could literally arrive home with a lover in her arms and the hubby would believe it’s a big teddy she got for him (us and our big egos! They will surely be the death of us!).

It does not help that men are the lamest liars on the face of the earth. I know a man who got caught with a luminous green stringy under garment in his pocket. His explanation? It was his! ‘You see sweetie, I am undergoing that midlife thingi and I decided to experiment with female attire’. It didn’t help that the garment in question was the one worn on the upper body not the lower.

Put all this together with men’s disturbing tendency to meet their ‘tucungwa’ on Sunday afternoons with all his offspring in tow (mummy, we met that auntie wa Njugunas today) and the miracle is that men cheat for as long as they do before they are busted.

There is no such thing as a clever liaison. Sooner or later (mostly sooner!) you will be busted buster. But let those who want to cheat be, this article is (or became) about those poor souls who have had their mbuzi-paid matundas sampled by others. Here is a quick guide to catching a cheating woman

1.Take time off Super Sport II (honestly sir, it’s for your own good) and pay close attention to the stuff she brings home (is that big teddy bear she brought home breathing and does it have a terrified expression as you examine it?) There is a clue for you!

2. Don’t ever let your spouse buy your cologne. Ever! They tend to buy for you whatever brands their little toy-boys use so you can never catch them with a foreign fragrance. (I can picture the sly two-timing male bastards going aha!)

3. Smell your spouse constantly! Aki it helps! And they smell us too anyway; why else do you think you get a peck when you walk in the front door? Peck away too.

4. Check her handbag, glove compartments and her coat pockets. You never know, you might have married a dumb one after all.

5. If your wife has a tendency to go to overnight keshas, make it a point to sometimes pop in the church at around two am and confirm that she is actually in the church. (Spotting her car in the church car park doesn’t count)

6. Get to know her gym instructor. He is the dude who she is most likely to cheat with if for no other reason than the fact that he probably looks better than you. Know thy (most likely) enemy.

7. If she comes in the evening with a different dress from the one she wore in the morning (or with clasps and strings of undergarments torn) be suspicious. Watch your wife undress after work and don’t mind if she calls you a pervert. It’s the price to pay.

8. Stalk, bug the home line and go through her cell and all the other stuff they do to us.

9. Nag. It works for them


17 comments on “How to Catch a Cheating Woman by Martin Njaga

  1. Doreen Baingana
    November 28, 2008

    Thanks Martin for letting us women know what men will be looking out for. Now we’re one step head!


  2. Carol
    December 4, 2008

    Thanks Martin for the ‘How not to get caught tips’… all the men out there…after all the women read this, just give up.


  3. Clifford Oluoch
    December 5, 2008

    Good one Martin.
    Those DNA clinics send shivers down men’s spine (and other places too…) But coming to think of it, since the world is a global village, why not bring up that brat that belongs to another man with the consolation that another man somewhere is bringing up your brat? After all, men cheat with women. I would be more worried if my woman cheated on me with another woman. Crazy world!


    December 9, 2008

    Now you know why I wise man once said:”Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days:2Give a portion to seven, and also to eight; for thou knowest not what evil shall be upon the earth.
    Its double torture to take care of foreign seed when you have no seeds enjoying the same in other fertile fields…Guyz we need to fight back and grow more “non-contracted” crops-Accountants call it “hedging”,I prefer to call it spreading my risks-so if u catch me planting,its not my insatiable appetite for foreign flesh-its just good old Darwinian survival for the a sower u know!


  5. storymojaafrica
    December 11, 2008

    Uh David, that sure sounds like a confession. We are truly shocked. Welcome to the Dark Side!


  6. Jojo
    March 10, 2009

    and you expect anyone will be caught after you let the cat out of the bag…..not that you had it all figured out anyway. It will take a lot more than this to get a woman determined to get away with a shady deal. Nice try though.


  7. Alexander
    March 13, 2009

    Clifford Oluoch wote:
    “I would be more worried if my woman cheated on me with another woman.”

    And a man has good reason to be worried then; because this means that his lady is very likely now getting good sex (at last). Fear the comparison … 😉


  8. Ruth Njaramba
    March 13, 2009

    This has to be one of the funniest Kenyan stories I have read.Great stuff.
    I love it


  9. Wairimu
    March 18, 2009

    Woiye!!You will never bust a cheating a woman unless she wants you to.Which means, tis ollova.Anohter tusker, boss?Love the article.


    June 15, 2009

    That was on a very light note to pamper hairy male egos.Treat your woman right and she would rather die than betray you-off course not of the id rather die format ala kenyan politicians…


  11. P Scott
    June 28, 2009

    You forgot to mention semen detection kits–Like the InSite kit for example (my favorite!)


  12. titus
    August 15, 2009

    Why waste time trying to catch a woman…just cheat on her constantly and let her do the same..its only fair! nice piece though


  13. gideon
    October 11, 2009

    Can your woman be cheating if she is exchanging profane forwarded emails with a guy? I need answer


  14. kihara
    November 5, 2013

    I like your article …I have never laughed so hard in my life! very well put ..very well put. We need to pay more attention as men


  15. paulina
    November 30, 2013

    I love number 7…but should she consider her man a pervert because who else is supposed to watch her undress?


  16. Allan Oyier
    August 6, 2014

    Good job. You have provided practical scenarios for both men and women.


  17. Richie.
    August 29, 2014

    1) if you are away for sometime never tell her when you’ll be arriving
    Make it a surprise you may be shocked!

    2) never believe her when she tells you that she misses you and asking when you shall be home that might be the prime tym she may be entertaining her lover beware!

    3) when she is awaY and constantly asks you for money and she really knows how broke you rou are, thats a clear sign she may be having someone next to her An d wants to create some xtra time for him

    4) when she makes simple issues to appear to be a big problem for instance why you placed your long sleeved shirt on the hanger holding your short sleeve shirts and initially had no problem with that.
    etc etc,


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