Celebrating East African Writing!
If you do not have 72/ to buy a packet of unga, you will starve.
If you do not have chapa for rent, you will sleep on the street.
If you don’t have an ancestral shamba to retire on, you will die prematurely.
If you are Luo on the Kikuyu side of the street or vice versa, say your prayers nightly.
If you are arrested, you are guilty.
If you wear dreadlocks and don’t work for media, you are Mungiki
If you are a young man in dreadlocks, you’ll likely die a young man in dreadlocks – shot by police accidentally but on purpose
If you are a young man, you may also be shot accidentally but on purpose
If you want to be featured in the media, start a political party
If you have not cleared form four, you cannot get a job as a watchie.
If you clear form four with less than an A, you might still become a watchie
If you are a teacher or nurse, you are one salary away from starvation.
If you have a mobile phone, it will be stolen at least once.
No matter how you earned your money, you are a thief
If you are caught, you can purchase your freedom
If you own anything, you will be stolen from
If you wear a short dress, you are begging to be raped
If you are raped, it is your fault
If you have money it’s no guarantee that your children will live well – it could all disappear
If you say what you mean, you are confusing
If you do what you say, you are not a citizen
If your parents die, their NSSF contribution will not arrive for kido 30 years.
If the water minister is not from your constituency, you will trek miles to find a borehole.
If you ride in a matatu you will lose your heart or your hearing
If you drive a matatu, there are no words to describe you
If you ride in a long distance bus you’ll probably get to heaven faster
If you know all the words of the national anthem, you were born before 1964
If you have HIV, you’ll get free medicine, and hunger will kill you
If you speak English, you are not Kenyan
If you speak Swahili, you are not Kenyan
If you speak Sheng you are Kenyan but you cannot get a job
If you are educated and not rich, you are an object of derision
If you are rich but not educated, you are an object if admiration
If you can run fast, run fast out of the country
If you are an MP, no words can describe you
If you’ve tried to be an MP, spend more next time
If you are caught stealing, galvanise your tribe to save you
If you pull a Goldenberg-size scam, your country will save you
If you live in Kibera, local and international tourists will gawk at you
If you live in Mathare, nobody cares
If you were Mau Mau, nobody cares
If you were homeguard, you are living large
If you read beyond exams, you need your head examined
If you put in 4 hours of work a day at the UN for a months salary , you are exceptional
If you believe in enterprise, form an NGO, not a for-profit company
If we form enough NGOs, we will stay poor
If you go to church on Sunday, you are saved
If you are saved, you are not required to be moral or ethical
If you live on more than 3 dollars a day, you are a statistical anomaly
If you shop at Village Market, you need to tour Kibera
If you visit home from abroad, dump thoughts of rights at the airport
If you visit abroad from home, stay there
If you need hope, look abroad
If you are not related to Obama, who are you?
I invite readers to add more patriotic scenarios…