Kenya Nchi Yetu – A confabulation by Muthoni Garland
If you do not have 72/ to buy a packet of unga, you will starve.
If you do not have chapa for rent, you will sleep on the street.
If you don’t have an ancestral shamba to retire on, you will die prematurely.
If you are Luo on the Kikuyu side of the street or vice versa, say your prayers nightly.
If you are arrested, you are guilty.
If you wear dreadlocks and don’t work for media, you are Mungiki
If you are a young man in dreadlocks, you’ll likely die a young man in dreadlocks – shot by police accidentally but on purpose
If you are a young man, you may also be shot accidentally but on purpose
If you want to be featured in the media, start a political party
If you have not cleared form four, you cannot get a job as a watchie.
If you clear form four with less than an A, you might still become a watchie
If you are a teacher or nurse, you are one salary away from starvation.
If you have a mobile phone, it will be stolen at least once.
No matter how you earned your money, you are a thief
If you are caught, you can purchase your freedom
If you own anything, you will be stolen from
If you wear a short dress, you are begging to be raped
If you are raped, it is your fault
If you have money it’s no guarantee that your children will live well – it could all disappear
If you say what you mean, you are confusing
If you do what you say, you are not a citizen
If your parents die, their NSSF contribution will not arrive for kido 30 years.
If the water minister is not from your constituency, you will trek miles to find a borehole.
If you ride in a matatu you will lose your heart or your hearing
If you drive a matatu, there are no words to describe you
If you ride in a long distance bus you’ll probably get to heaven faster
If you know all the words of the national anthem, you were born before 1964
If you have HIV, you’ll get free medicine, and hunger will kill you
If you speak English, you are not Kenyan
If you speak Swahili, you are not Kenyan
If you speak Sheng you are Kenyan but you cannot get a job
If you are educated and not rich, you are an object of derision
If you are rich but not educated, you are an object if admiration
If you can run fast, run fast out of the country
If you are an MP, no words can describe you
If you’ve tried to be an MP, spend more next time
If you are caught stealing, galvanise your tribe to save you
If you pull a Goldenberg-size scam, your country will save you
If you live in Kibera, local and international tourists will gawk at you
If you live in Mathare, nobody cares
If you were Mau Mau, nobody cares
If you were homeguard, you are living large
If you read beyond exams, you need your head examined
If you put in 4 hours of work a day at the UN for a months salary , you are exceptional
If you believe in enterprise, form an NGO, not a for-profit company
If we form enough NGOs, we will stay poor
If you go to church on Sunday, you are saved
If you are saved, you are not required to be moral or ethical
If you live on more than 3 dollars a day, you are a statistical anomaly
If you shop at Village Market, you need to tour Kibera
If you visit home from abroad, dump thoughts of rights at the airport
If you visit abroad from home, stay there
If you need hope, look abroad
If you are not related to Obama, who are you?
I invite readers to add more patriotic scenarios…
7 comments on “Kenya Nchi Yetu – A confabulation by Muthoni Garland”
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2015 Storymoja Festival
Storymoja Festival
27 Sept - 1 Oct 2017
Nairobi Museums
Storymoja 
I note with amusement Muthoni’s parallelism between matatu drivers and waheshimiwa – their undescribability.
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this is just a classic.
Go Muthoni go!
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if you imagine a Kenya that you want, keep imagining
if you are Kenyan, who are you/
if you hear a conductor shouting 20, 20, its not 20 bob fare, its 40 bob, maths at work
if you are kenyan, your name rhymes with Broke- Anto:am bro-ke, Mutho- Am Bro-ke,
Kenyan is a scientific name for Canine
if you are a virgin in Kenya, you are probably a very insane
if you are an artise in Kenya, you remain just that, a piece of art
if you bird watch, you have too much meat in your fridge
if you are hungry, you either die of hunger or eat poisonous fruits and do just that- die
if you are Kenyan, getting maize flour is as hard as a maze
a Kenyan dream is just that, a dream!
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If you notice beggers on the street you must be a tourist
If you believe what your MP tells you, you ought to be in Mathare
If you steal 24million you are set free. if you steal a neighbors chicken you are remanded for 8years
If you live in Dandora or Calif you must be a genge rapper
If you are human /civil rights activist you must have dreadlocks and you must avoid at all costs to demonstrate on Fridays or Saturdays
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You will wait for 5 average matatus to pass, so you can board “The One” that will break all traffic rules and pass the 5 in front of it.
It’s the same one that makes your ears bleed and makes you watch your life flash by as you wish you wore a safety belt, only to wake up from your daze in town 🙂
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if you want to be the best
you have to do the worst.
if you go to church they’ll say
god will forgive you
if you build a church
they say you have stolen from them
if you speak about the death of corruption
you are a hero
if you attempt to kill it
you are the devil’s advocate.
if you love the country
you despise the city
if you don’t vote
you are betraying your president
if you do vote
you are betraying the people
if you die while deciding
no one cares
yesterday’s tragedies will be tomorrows fortunes.
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in kenya, if u don’t have a godfather, it doesnt mata whether u r learned or not. kazi yako itakuwa ni ya kutafuta kazi.
in kenya, anything is 2b bargained as long as haiko kwa supermkt.
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