How to Catch a Cheating Woman by Martin Njaga

Here is the question that has vexed men for generations…and continues to do so even at this age of DNA and at a time when many Kenyan men are discovering that the brats they have been toiling for are not theirs after all. (I knew that blockhead was too stupid to be mine!)

How could women do this to us? I mean when all is said and done, the loser who refused to pay school fees for his kids and took pints at the local pub appears to have been the clever one now.

‘Ha!’ Says he now, ‘at least I wasn’t conned out my money as well!’

All along ati we thought we were on top, that they were gullible and naïve in their thirst for love and companionship. Kumbe they were so ahead of the game! Any man can be smart, but it takes a woman to know that the highest form of intelligence is that that can cloak itself with an air of foolishness.

Now men are all over the city, luring their (former) little darlings to DNA clinics to confirm their worst fears. Others (probably with much better founded fears) are avoiding the trip all together (If I have spent a fortune rearing someone else’s kid, why throw away another 5k for something that won’t change anything…We Waiter!… leta Tusker ingine!)

Back to things that do matter, why is it that women are never caught cheating while a man caught sampling matundas from outside his patch hardly even makes headlines in the village gossip? Oh yes! Women cheat too. Just ask those poor Nairobi dudes agonizing in the corridors of DNA clinics with khaki envelopes. They cheat, just that they never get caught.

You see, they are not dumb enough to park their cars outside Sabina Joy. They have the sense to check their blouses for incriminating stains (I just can’t think of any though) and to avoid stuffing their pockets with their lover’s underwear.

Men on the other hand suffer from two fronts; One is the fact that all women are brought up to be suspicious of their spouses (is that really ketchup on your shirt?!!) Any little deviation from the norm will instantly be picked up and investigated. Men live in a never land where their wives can never cheat on them. A woman could literally arrive home with a lover in her arms and the hubby would believe it’s a big teddy she got for him (us and our big egos! They will surely be the death of us!).

It does not help that men are the lamest liars on the face of the earth. I know a man who got caught with a luminous green stringy under garment in his pocket. His explanation? It was his! ‘You see sweetie, I am undergoing that midlife thingi and I decided to experiment with female attire’. It didn’t help that the garment in question was the one worn on the upper body not the lower.

Put all this together with men’s disturbing tendency to meet their ‘tucungwa’ on Sunday afternoons with all his offspring in tow (mummy, we met that auntie wa Njugunas today) and the miracle is that men cheat for as long as they do before they are busted.

There is no such thing as a clever liaison. Sooner or later (mostly sooner!) you will be busted buster. But let those who want to cheat be, this article is (or became) about those poor souls who have had their mbuzi-paid matundas sampled by others. Here is a quick guide to catching a cheating woman

1.Take time off Super Sport II (honestly sir, it’s for your own good) and pay close attention to the stuff she brings home (is that big teddy bear she brought home breathing and does it have a terrified expression as you examine it?) There is a clue for you!

2. Don’t ever let your spouse buy your cologne. Ever! They tend to buy for you whatever brands their little toy-boys use so you can never catch them with a foreign fragrance. (I can picture the sly two-timing male bastards going aha!)

3. Smell your spouse constantly! Aki it helps! And they smell us too anyway; why else do you think you get a peck when you walk in the front door? Peck away too.

4. Check her handbag, glove compartments and her coat pockets. You never know, you might have married a dumb one after all.

5. If your wife has a tendency to go to overnight keshas, make it a point to sometimes pop in the church at around two am and confirm that she is actually in the church. (Spotting her car in the church car park doesn’t count)

6. Get to know her gym instructor. He is the dude who she is most likely to cheat with if for no other reason than the fact that he probably looks better than you. Know thy (most likely) enemy.

7. If she comes in the evening with a different dress from the one she wore in the morning (or with clasps and strings of undergarments torn) be suspicious. Watch your wife undress after work and don’t mind if she calls you a pervert. It’s the price to pay.

8. Stalk, bug the home line and go through her cell and all the other stuff they do to us.

9. Nag. It works for them